


Fuck it, I love you

by fallingisok



Category: IT - Stephen King
Genre: Gay Eddie Kaspbrak, Gay Panic, Gay Richie Tozier, IT - Freeform, IT Chapter Two Fix-It, M/M, Movie: IT Chapter Two (2019), Mutual Pining, Pining, Pining Eddie Kaspbrak, Pining Richie Tozier, Repression, Sexual Repression, Young Love, stanely uris is barely in this but he's important to me
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-02
Updated: 2019-10-02
Packaged: 2020-11-15 11:36:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,903
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20865578
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fallingisok/pseuds/fallingisok
Summary: Accepting your feelings for someone is hard, especially when everyone knows you love them.





	Fuck it, I love you

Fuck it! “I love you”

Quick glances, quicker heartbeat, his mouth moves faster than his brain, he insults Eddie’s mom. Quick glances, shortened breath, wheezing, inhaler pump, Richie asking if he’s ok in a teasing voice, but both of them hearing the concern behind it. Staying up all night thinking of him, tiredly playing street fighter the next day, carrying a first aid kit in his bag, hand sanitizer bottles hidden everywhere. Thinking of him in class, he hides a notebook doodled with his name from his mom, he keeps comic books for him, keeps a glasses repair kit in both of his fanny packs. Constant teasing, constant jokes at each other’s expense.

The cycle repeats.

The other losers noticed quickly. This little game these two played wasn’t fooling anyone. But none of them said anything, wanting to keep their friends secret. 

Beverly was the first to find out. She noticed it when they were in the clubhouse one day. Instead of arguing and yelling at each other, the boys were calm. Eddie even was as quiet as a church mouse as he slipped into the hammock with Richie. That’s when the first thought of it came to her. She kept it to herself.

Next was Mike. He went over to Eddie’s once to talk about their science homework. Eddie’s mom wasn’t home that day. He came in to find Richie and Eddie practically on top of each other, watching some dumb movie. Neither of the boys reacted when he walked in, just asking if he wanted to join. Mike clued in then, but like Bev, kept it to himself.

Third and fourths were Ben and Stan. They caught on when Eddie got his cast taken off. The week leading up to it, Richie kept calling him lover. He said that it was him teasing him for the “stupid name on his dumb ass cast”, but the boys didn’t believe him. One night, while the two were talking, Ben mentioned it. Stan agreed that the two were getting oddly closer. The animosity between them had fizzled out. It wasn’t just them mindlessly teasing each other anymore. There was something else behind it. As if their words were a desperate attempt to keep the lid of the chest closed. Each insult, each joke, a nail keeping it shut tightly. But the losers could see the nails were getting smaller, and holding very little shut.

Next was Bill. He had found out when the losers held a meeting in the clubhouse without the boys in question. The matter at hand? How to get Richie and Eddie to realize they’re in love with each other. Bill was taken aback. In love? Rich and Ed? Impossible! Totally out of the question! Completely….true. The dots aligned perfectly. Everything made sense. Eddie would put himself in the most disgusting situation he could manage if it meant he could spend some time with Richie, and Richie would give up his afternoons playing street fighter to spend time with Eddie. Both boys would never do that for anyone else, ever. The meeting had inconclusive results, the losers just deciding that the boys will tell each other when they’re ready.

Richie was the last to find out, and he had found out in what could quite possibly be the most Richie way possible. He was home one day, practicing another accent, thinking about how much Eddie will hate it. But then his mind shifted. He didn’t want Eddie to hate it. He wanted to make Eddie laugh. He wanted to see that wide-open smile on his face. He wanted to hear his cute little wheezy laugh, with little snickers and him trying to catch his breath. He wanted to see his little nose scrunch up and his wide smile. He wanted to see his eyes with tears of joy in them, somehow looking even prettier than before. He wanted to see Eddie happy, cause whenever he was happy Richie was happy. He loved seeing Eddie happy. He loved Eddie. And god damn if that thought didn’t hit Richie like a baseball bat to the head, nothing would’ve. Richie collapsed to his bathroom floor and started panicking. No. Oh god no. He couldn’t like guys. He couldn’t be gay. No, no that’s impossible. He’s not some fag. No, he’s not some fairy. No guy could ever make him not straight. That’s impossible. Nothing made sense anymore. 

That night, he threw everything that made him think of Eddie in a box and hid it under his bed. Anything the boy had given him, anything that he got with the boy, anything he kept to keep Eddie comfortable, locked away and hidden. He stayed in the arcade for a full week, not talking to any of the losers. He just told himself he needed to take time for himself. The only time that the group saw him is when they went to the arcade to find him, but they just saw him run out the door. None of them chased him. They let him go. They agreed amongst themselves that Richie needed some time to clear himself. Eddie had to hide the sick feeling in his chest, the ball in his throat that wouldn’t go away. He just took his inhaler and put on more hand sanitizer, claiming it was just the dirt outside that was getting to him. 

Eddie was hurt. He didn’t know what he did wrong. Richie had just stopped being nice to him, and he thought he was at fault. He was so mad at himself for getting too close. Richie probably thought that he was being weird and didn’t like it, so he pushed him away. Eddie was crushed, his best friend was gone. He knew that he had feelings for Richie a while ago, but never said anything in fear of everyone leaving. If anyone found out he’d get beaten to a pulp at school. Worst, if his mother found out, he’d be sent to a “pray your gay away” camp before you could say Leviticus 20. He went home, putting his stupid notebook in the bottom of one of his drawers under all his clothes so no one could find it and pilling all the comics on a shelf he couldn’t reach without a step stool, and therefore out of his eyesight. 

Two weeks after Richie had abandoned the losers, Beverly caught Eddie crying in the clubhouse. He was sitting in the hammock, bawling to himself. He felt so cold sitting there alone.  
“What’s up, Ed’s?”  
She asked, lighting a cigarette. Eddie jumped, scared that someone had found him. He quickly wiped away his tears.  
“N-nothing, just my allergies.”  
He said shakily. Bev’s heart hurt watching this boy. She knew what was wrong.   
“Do you mind if I get in the hammock with you?”  
She asked in the softest tone Eddie had ever heard her use. He nodded. She quickly put out her cigarette. Beverly climbed into the hammock and pulled the boy into a hug. Eddie’s vision was blurring again as more tears fell. He didn’t stop them. Beverly held him as he cried, rubbing his back lovingly to keep him calm. The last thing they needed right now was him having an asthma attack.  
“I’m sorry.”  
He whispered into her neck. Bev chuckled softly.  
“You have no reason to say that Ed, it’s ok to be upset.”  
She paused, taking in a slight breath.  
“Have you heard from him at all?”  
Eddie asked, his voice so quiet Bev almost didn’t hear him. She shook her head. Eddie pushed himself farther into the girl.  
“I-i don’t know what I did wrong. He just left. It-it’s all my fault, Bev! He hates me.”  
Eddie said shakily. Beverly quickly shushed him.  
“Dude, don’t think like that. Richie is just being a dick because he thinks we’ll judge him. He’s trying to drown his feelings in street fighter.”  
She cupped Eddie’s cheek.  
“You did nothing wrong. If you did, you know he would’ve yelled at you until you either started crying or just left. Richie probably doesn't want to hurt you or any of us so he's distancing himself.”  
She explained. Eddie sighed the slightest smile on his face.  
“Alright, thanks, Bev.”  
Beverly smiled back, giving Eddie two quick slaps to his cheek.  
“No problem Eds.”  
Eddie laughed. The two jumped out of the hammock.  
“Let’s get out of here. It’s supposed to rain soon and god knows how musty it’s going to get in here. Oh and Eddie?”  
The boy turned to face her after picking up his bag.  
“I won’t tell anyone about this, it’ll be our secret.”

Eddie was walking home from the chat with Bev when he finally got to see Richie again, but it wasn’t the way he was hoping for. As Eddie passed the arcade and made his way down his street, he saw a barely standing body limping its way on the sidewalk. He didn’t think much of it, just another junkie probably, but when he noticed the curly black hair and that stupid Hawaiian shirt that was stained with blood, panic filled him.  
“Richie! Oh my god! Holy fuck!”  
He yelled as he ran up to the boy. Richie barely had the energy to turn around to face Eddie. Once he did finally see who it was, panic set it. He wanted to do nothing but run away full speed, but he was sadly physically incapable of doing so.  
“Richie stop walking right now! You need help!”  
Richie finally stopped moving, and immediately fell onto the lawn next to him. Eddie got there as quickly as he fell, helping him back up onto his feet.   
“Oh god, Richie! What happened?! You know what doesn’t matter right now. You’re coming home with me.”  
Eddie exclaimed frantically, basically carrying Richie. His feet were barely touching the ground as he was dragged to his friend’s house. Richie’s heart was beating as fast as it could without exploding. He didn’t want to go home with Eddie. He didn’t want to spend time with him. But, it was probably the only way to get himself fixed up.

The boys made it to Eddie’s house. Ed carried Richie to the backyard, not willing to bring any blood that could possibly stain something in his house.  
“My mom won’t be home for another 2 hours, you can stay with me until then.”  
Richie nodded, not making eye contact at all. Eddie quickly ran up the steps and into his room, grabbing the first aid kit he kept under his bed. He came back outside, it clutched in his arms.  
“Um, ok can you take that shirt off? Please. I need to be able to see every part of you to make sure I don’t miss anything.”  
Richie just nodded. No joking comment, no gay slur. He just nodded and took his shirt off. Eddie had to stop his gasp when he saw the bruising. Richie took his bloodied shirt and threw it onto the ground in front of them. Eddie was quick to work, using the gauze pads to wipe away the blood coming from the boy’s nose and mouth, getting him to rinse it out with water so he could make sure all his teeth were still in place. Then he sanitized all the scrapes, placing band-aids on them.  
“You want to tell me what happened?”  
Eddie asked as if a parent about to scold their child. Silence. Eddie sighed and stopped what he was doing.  
“Richie, please talk to me. I’m sorry for whatever I did, but I need you to be my friend again. Rich, please.”  
Richie didn’t make eye contact, but he didn’t need it to know Eddie was upset.  
“They beat me up, Ed.”  
He barely mumbled. Eddie didn’t say anything, just finished putting on the last bandage.  
“Bowers and his fucking group of assholes beat me up. They thought I was flirting with his cousin. I wasn’t. But they fucking beat me up.”  
He explained angrily. Eddie kept his mouth shut.  
“I was trying so hard! I thought I was doing great with hiding it. But then that asshole just went and lied to Bowers saying that I was trying to fuck him! They practically tried to kill me Eds.”  
Richie’s eyes filled with tears.   
Eddie still kept quiet. He didn’t want to say anything and make Richie feel worse than he already did. Richie didn’t say anything else though, he just started crying. 

Eddie gently outstretched his arms, an invitation for Richie to take if he wanted to. He did, throwing himself into his hold and sobbing into his chest. Each inhales stuttered, almost as if he was gasping for air. Eddie just kept holding him, even though he was crying on him, even though there was a possibility that he was still bleeding somewhere, even though this was the easiest way to pass along germs. The more thoughts that Eddie had, the more he just replaced them with the thought of Richie. The thought of Richie smiling, the thought of Richie showing him comic books, the thought of Richie calming him down whenever his mom became too much. Richie was worth more than protecting himself from sickness. Richie was worth more than his fear. And when Richie finally looked up at him, eyes full of tears, lips quivering, his nose and cheeks a blotchy red, Eddie knew that Richie was worth more to him than life itself.

So Eddie finally showed him how much he meant. He cupped his cheeks and pulled him into a kiss. Both of their hearts were beating out of their chests. This was it, the moment the both of them had been craving forever. Chest to chest, lips pressed together, eyes closed, just breathing each other's air. Eddie was waiting for Richie to push him away, but Richie was waiting for Eddie to do the same. Neither did. So Richie wrapped his arms around Eddie, letting one hand tangled in the hair at the back of his head. He deepened the kiss, wanting to bring Eddie closer to him even though it was physically impossible for them to do that.

Eddie kept his hands on Richie’s cheeks, scared of him pulling away. His left thumb gently tracing back and forth on his cheek, causing Richie to smile into the kiss. Everything about what was happening was soft, a new feeling to Richie. He liked it, a lot. Eddie wasn’t rough with him, acting as if he was made of glass. It felt nice to be cherished this way. He felt needed. Richie could hear Eddie breathing harshly through his nose and knew that the boy was struggling to breathe. He debated continuing this until the boy had an asthma attack, but he knew better.

When they finally pulled away, a string of saliva was connected between their mouths. Richie watched as Eddie’s eyes opened and noticed it. Panic took over him. He apologized quickly but ran away. Richie could hear him run up the stairs from the open back door. His heart fell in his chest. He looked at his still stained shirt and just left it there, getting up and chasing Eddie, ready to explain himself and apologize for moving too quickly. He stopped in his tracks when he saw Eddie gargling mouthwash in the upstairs bathroom.  
“Oh, I’m so sorry! God, I must seem like a dick! It’s just that like mono is going around and I really don’t want to risk catching it! It’s nothing against you, cause like, you’re really good at kissing and I’m sure you don't have it, but I still want to protect myself and-”  
“Eddie, take a breath.”  
Richie interrupted a fuzzy feeling in him watching the boy panic. A slight smile came onto Richie’s face watching Eddie take a deep gasping breath. He looked down awkwardly and realized he was still shirtless.  
“Do you think I could borrow a shirt?”  
Richie asked after a moment. Eddie nodded vigorously, speed walking to his room.

Richie, who was following close behind, walked into the room to be hit in the face with an oversized knit sweater. Eddie giggled.   
“Sorry.”  
He said through his laugh. Richie just smiled, pulling the sweater on and being surrounded by the smell of Eddie. When he looked up, he saw Eddie looking at him with a worried expression. Richie opened his arms, offering Eddie a hug as he had earlier. Eddie quickly accepted, bounding across the room and throwing himself into Richie’s arms. The boys stood there, just hugging each other.  
“You have no idea how long I wanted to do that.”  
Eddie whispered. Richie smiled, rubbing his back.  
“I’ve spent too many nights crying over you.”  
Eddie said.  
“Eds, that’s gay.”  
Richie said, trying to break this uncomfortable feeling in his chest. Eddie just smiled, chuckling softly.  
“Yeah, you can say I’m pretty gay.”  
He replied, looking up at Richie. Rich leaned down and quickly kissed Eddie.  
“Bro I just brush my teeth!”  
“You’re not going to get mono.”  
“I might! It’s possible trash mouth!”  
“Shut up, Eddie Spaghetti”  
“I hate you”  
“No, you don’t”  
"You're right….I don’t....I love you"  
Richie paused, taken aback. He held his breath for a moment, debating if he should say it or not. He was risking it all.....Fuck it!  
"I love you too."

**Author's Note:**

> Haha, writing a fic about how repression is bad is great when you're trying to repress your own feelings for your best friends..........ah ha ha. anyways, I'm a bit rusty with writing so please be nice :)


End file.
